


I'll Shut You Up With a Kiss

by Bedalk05



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Geralt is a little shit, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is So Done, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Jaskier is a little shit, M/M, Mutual Pining, These two dumbasses deserve each other, Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg is So Done, they're both dumbasses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23523172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bedalk05/pseuds/Bedalk05
Summary: “I should really start charging you two a fee,” Yennefer remarked as she gracefully entered the room. Eyeing the two men and seeing nothing remiss, she raised an elegant brow. “Why was I so rudely summoned this time?”Jaskier had been biting his lip to keep himself from laughing but finally he said with a strained voice, “I don’t know Geralt, what is the problem?” The witcher sat there, jaw clenched and vein thrumming in his temple.Finally he gritted out, “Every time I speak, a rhyme will start to leak.”Yennefer’s perfectly painted and composed face cracked at his words and she said with open admiration, “Oh this is the best curse yet.” ”5 times Geralt and Jaskier got themselves cursed by a sorcerer and needed Yennefer's help and one time Yennefer got tired of their bullshit.AKA 5 times Geralt and Jaskier's big mouths got them in trouble and one time it worked in their favor.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 61
Kudos: 761
Collections: The Witcher Alternate Universes





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Any errors are my own. I hope you enjoy!
> 
>   
> Update: a bonus chapter is coming because I couldn't help myself.

**1. ******

********

Recently, Jaskier and Geralt had settled into a comfortable routine where they traveled together for most of the year, splitting up infrequently. After their first few months together they had discovered that traveling to towns for contracts that could use a witcher inevitably led to finding a tavern or noble that could use a bard, and pooling their resources led to more hot meals and warm beds. (Oddly, despite the increase of their coin, the two men had continued to share a room and at times a bed by some unspoken and unacknowledged agreement.) There was one drawback to traveling together however; both men had the unfortunate tendency to run their mouths at inconvenient times. Especially when faced with sorcerers. 

Jaskier sighed explosively and wiggled against his binds as Geralt and the sorcerer of the week faced off. He hated sorcerers. Monsters he could handle fine, once you get passed the terror, stench, and guts, but sorcerers _monologued_ and always had an irksome trick up their sleeve. It was especially distressing when they had such poor fashion sense. Jaskier was already held against his will, must he also be tortured with the eyesore of a garish orange tunic with green embroidery and blue trousers? 

“Geraaalt,” Jaskier whined for the second time in five minutes. "Would you hurry it up so we can get out of here? I’m getting hungry.” Jaskier grinned to himself as he witnessed the sorcerer facing off with his companion twitch with irritation. 

“Does he ever shut up?” he hissed at Geralt. 

Releasing a sigh that sounded as though it emanated from his very soul Geralt responded, “I ask myself that question every day.” 

Gasping incredulously Jaskier exclaimed, “I resent that remark! In fact, I believe-” But whatever Jaskier believed was interrupted by an impatient snap and puff of smoke. Where the bard once sat now lay a baby with bright blue eyes, brown hair, and not a lick of clothing. Blinking, the baby opened his mouth to speak, only to find that the only words he knew were “goo gah wa.” And with that discovery, the infant promptly began to wail. 

“Oh, what was I thinking, this is worse,” moaned the mage. Suitably distracted as he regretted his most recent life decision, the sorcerer didn’t even see Geralt’s sword coming before it impaled several vital organs. With a final wheeze, he crumpled to the ground and moved no more. With the threat neutralized, Geralt turned to Jaskier, praying he was back to his irritating man-sized self now that the mage was dead, only to rub his face tiredly when he discovered that it was not to be so. 

Picking up the baby as gently as he could, Geralt raised him to eye level and gazed at him solemnly. “Bite me, I bite you. Cry, I throw you out a window.” Geralt observed with satisfaction that the wailing immediately halted and he was faced with a resentful pout. Good. His bard was still in there. Carefully cradling the infant to his chest, Geralt made his way back to town. He needed a stiff drink. 

*******

Scratch that, he needed several stiff drinks. He twitched erratically as another admirer came to coo at the baby currently sitting atop the filthy table. Jaskier was currently dressed in some plain sackcloth Geralt found on the way back to town and which the infant did not approve of at all. Geralt had to bite his lip to keep from laughing at the once fashionably dressed bard when he had placed the cloth over his head amidst outraged squeals. 

But now Geralt determined that coming to town was clearly a mistake. He dearly wanted to dump his drink over Jaskier’s head to wipe the self-satisfied smirk off his face that looked so innocent and pure to the patrons around them. But that would be a waste of an ale. And he would probably be chased out of town for dumping a tankard of alcohol on an infant. There was that too. Though as yet another gaggle of admirers approached the table, Geralt couldn’t help but grimly think that this course of action just might be worth it. 

Downing the rest of his drink with a final gulp, Geralt abruptly stood up and scooped the infuriating bard up with one hand. “I hate to ruin your entertainment but it’s time for him to go to bed,” Geralt growled, before stalking up to the rooms they had rented for their stay. 

Dumping Jaskier unceremoniously onto the bed, Geralt crossed his arms and glared at the infant, looming over him. “You’re enjoying this too much.” Jaskier’s only response was to roll on his back, gripping his feet as he kicked back and forth with a grin. “Hmm. I am enjoying the peace and quiet," Geralt mused with a thoughtful frown. "I suppose if you like this current state so much I don’t need to find a way to reverse the spell,” he added with a careless shrug. 

Jaskier’s gleeful rolling froze as he squirmed in an attempt to sit up. Rolling his eyes, Geralt tilted the pint-sized bard up so they could face each other. Geralt couldn’t hide his smirk at the panicked look now crossing the infant's face. Crossing his arms, Geralt leaned against the wall languidly. “Don’t worry, I plan to summon Yennefer tomorrow,” he remarked, snorting at the indignant squawk he got in response. 

*******

Yennefer stepped through the portal, royal blue gowns billowing in her wake. Taking in the tableau before her she raised an unimpressed brow. “I take it that’s your bard then,” she drawled, nodding at the baby propped on Geralt's knee. The noises the infant made in response were undoubtedly intended as swears but Yennefer only rolled her eyes in response. Turning her gaze to Geralt she cocked her head curiously. “Are you sure you want me to shift him back?” she inquired. “He is certainly less of a pain in the arse in this form.” 

“Believe me, it crossed my mind,” Geralt rumbled. “But I’ve started to enjoy the extra coin I can spend with his earnings.” He didn’t respond to the ensuing tiny fists of fury pounding on his arm other than to lift Jaskier up and present him to the sorceress. 

Sighing lightly, Yennefer gave Geralt a baleful glare. “You owe me,” she remarked, snapping her fingers. Within the puff of smoke that ensued was heard a yelp and thump. As the smoke dissipated, Geralt and Yennefer were faced with a full grown Jaskier sprawled on the ground and naked as the day he was born. 

“I don’t know where to start on my recriminations of the indignity I was forced to-mmf!” Whatever Jaskier was planning to say was abruptly cut off by the clothes thrown at his face. 

“Please, don’t torture us with such a sight for another moment” Yennefer said, voice dripping with distaste. 

”I’ll have you know there are many a man and woman who would love to drink in this sight,” Jaskier sniffed before squirming around to slip on his trousers.

Rubbing his temples Geralt sighed. “I’m already regretting this decision.” 

“Please Geralt, I know you would’ve been lost without my sharp wit and sweet music,” Jaskier chirped, popping his head through his tunic with a grin. Turning his head, Geralt hid his soft smile from Yennefer’s knowing gaze. If only the bard knew how true that was. 

**2.**

Geralt stood there unimpressed as the sorcerer finished pronouncing a prophecy before puffing his chest out with self-importance. “Doesn’t rhyme,” Geralt grunted finally. “All good prophecies rhyme.” 

Jaskier savored the indignant look that crossed the sorcerer’s face in response before the man said something unintelligible and pointed at Geralt. The two men blinked as Geralt continued to stand there, intact and still human. Shrugging, Geralt drew his sword and unceremoniously ended the man’s pathetic life. 

Turning to the bound bard, Geralt knelt down to start undoing the knots. At Jaskier’s anxious expression Geralt shook his head. “They didn’t harm me, now let me help you free.” Wrinkling his brow in confusion the witcher paused his ministrations before adding slowly,“I don’t know why I said that, it must be because of that twat.” Now Geralt’s eyes widened with horror, and he scrambled upright, covering his mouth. “Can all I do is rhyme? This surely is a crime!” 

Jaskier stared open mouthed at Geralt for a beat before doubling over and bursting out laughing. “Oh, this is too good!” he chortled, ignoring the growl the witcher sent his way. “Geralt, perhaps you can help me with some of my ballads! There have been some lines I just can’t seem to find a good rhyme for.” As the witcher took a menacing step forward with a threatening rumble, Jaskier raised his hands defensively, unable to wipe the shit-eating grin from his face. “Summon Yennefer, yeah I’m on it.” 

*******

“I should really start charging you two a fee,” Yennefer remarked as she gracefully entered the room. Eyeing the two men and seeing nothing remiss, she raised an elegant brow. “Why was I so rudely summoned this time?” 

Jaskier had been biting his lip to keep himself from laughing but finally he said with a strained voice, “I don’t know Geralt, what is the problem?” The witcher sat there, jaw clenched and vein thrumming in his temple. 

Finally he gritted out, “Every time I speak, a rhyme will start to leak.” 

Yennefer’s perfectly painted and composed face cracked at his words and she said with open admiration, “Oh this is the best curse yet.” For once finding himself agreeing with the witch, Jaskier nodded enthusiastically. “It’s truly a gift to all of us,” he gasped out before collapsing into a peel of laughter again. 

The witcher sat there as his two companions laughed at his expense, grinding his teeth in frustration. “Can you reverse the curse? It’s truly the worst,” he growled. Wiping tears from her eyes Yennefer huffed, “Yes, yes of course, though you are giving up a wonderful career as a bard.” 

"I was thinking the same thing!" Jaskier exclaimed, appalled yet oddly delighted to find he was in agreement with Yennefer twice in one day. Eyes twinkling with amusement, Yennefer traded a conspiratorial grin with the bard before snapping her fingers. 

"Finally, I was about to cut out my damn vocal cords," Geralt hissed. Sighing with disappointment, Jaskier said mournfully, “You could have at least remained like that long enough to help me with my latest ballad. I just can’t find a good enough rhyme to go with, _Let me tell you this tale of old._ ”

_“Don’t listen to me; I’m just an arsehole,_ ” Geralt finished with a glare. Sighing wistfully, Jaskier patted Geralt on his thigh. “I appreciate your help my friend but alas, your gift has fled.” Rolling his eyes, Geralt settled on the bed comfortably and watched the bard with poorly disguised admiration as his fingers danced along the strings of the lute, not even noticing as Yennefer muttered sarcastically, "Thanks for the help Yennefer, what would we do without you!" before she swept out of the room. 

**3.**

“How was I to know she was married to a witch?!” Jaskier exclaimed hysterically before yelping and ducking behind Geralt’s massive form. “Maybe if you kept your cock in your pants instead of sticking it where it doesn’t belong we wouldn’t find ourselves in this shit!” Geralt snarled before forming the sign of Aard and dodging the sorceress’ furious spell. 

“I agree with the witcher! You are clearly too irresponsible with such an organ," the sorceress hissed. "But since you seem to delight in women so much, let’s see how long you can cope with lascivious men sticking their dicks near you all day long!” The mage proclaimed ominously before casting a spell toward Jaskier’s cowering form. "One can only dream madam," Jaskier replied solemnly before being blinded by the spell. 

Blinking away the puff of smoke that surrounded him, Jaskier took inventory of his limbs and let out a sigh of relief to realize that everything was still in place. Then he froze as he noticed appendages that certainly had not been there before. Slowly, Jaskier grasped the two breasts protruding from his chest, squeezing them and gasping as he felt his body respond. 

Gaping at Geralt, who had just subdued the mage, Jaskier blurted out, “On a scale of 1-10, how hot would you rate me?” A wave of heat rushed through Jaskier as Geralt turned and allowed his gaze to slowly wander along Jaskier’s body, lingering on the bard's face and chest where his loose tunic couldn't disguise his newest acquisitions. 

“Hmm,” he said in response. Blushing at the assessing look he was still receiving from the witcher, Jaskier huffed, “My eyes are up here Geralt.” Golden eyes met with sky blue and they stayed locked there for several moments. Geralt’s eyes were like molten gold and Jaskier knew he could get lost in them for hours if he didn't think he would get punched for the trouble. 

Swallowing nervously Jaskier stuttered, “I’m sure Yennefer wouldn’t mind another house call?” At Geralt’s slow nod, Jaskier averted his gaze and chastised himself for feeling a glimmer of hope. Of course Geralt was going to look at him with such open want now; Geralt was as straight as they come. Stuffing down the painful clench in his heart, Jaskier turned around and began heading to their inn. 

*******

As Yennefer entered the room her look of annoyance morphed to one of interest. Swaying toward Jaskier, she tilted his head up and raked her gaze along his body. Despite himself, Jaskier shuddered at the heated gaze and the subsequent warning growl Geralt released across the room. 

“Don’t worry, I don’t plan to steal your pet,” Yennefer hummed idly. Opening his mouth indignantly Jaskier found his words sucked away as the sorceress placed a delicate finger over his mouth. “Don’t ruin the moment for me darling. I want to savor this look without having to hear you blab that mouth of yours.” Tilting her head she added curiously, “Are you sure you don’t wish to remain in this form? You look exquisite and I’m sure this body would help you earn more coin.” 

Cheeks burning, Jaskier took a careful step back. Darting his eyes to Geralt, he drank in the hungry gaze fixed on him. He was so tempted to remain in this form in order to always have Geralt look at him like that but if Geralt was only attracted to his body, and his body as a woman at that, then Jaskier couldn’t remain like this. He wouldn’t be able to handle the heartbreak of sleeping with Geralt and having it mean nothing to the witcher. 

Crossing his arms as if the gesture could hold his heart together he remarked with forced levity, “I’m sure I would make quite the woman but I tend to enjoy breasts on others, not on myself.” With a hum, the mage shrugged her shoulders indifferently and snapped her fingers. As she turned to walk away Yennefer passed Geralt. Leaning close to his ear she murmured with a pat on his cheek, “Geralt, if you don’t close your mouth soon I’m certain you will be swallowing some flies.” Clamping his mouth shut Geralt swiftly turned away from Jaskier and began fiddling with the straps of his armor. Releasing a sigh Jaskier slumped to the bed. Well, the witcher’s attention was nice whilst it lasted. 

**4.**

_This is becoming a worrying habit,_ Jaskier thought to himself as he fought with the binds tying him and Geralt to their chairs. It was unclear what the sorcerer wanted from them other than as an audience for his dramatics, but Geralt was certainly letting his displeasure be known.

“Are you planning on talking us to death or will you actually tell us what you want? Because otherwise I have a lovely sword I would love to shove through your heart,” Geralt growled. Stalking forward, the sorcerer rounded his way to Jaskier and socked him in the gut. Letting out a pathetic “Oof” Jaskier thought dazedly, _Getting punched in the stomach is also becoming a worrying habit._

“Leave off," Geralt snarled, baring his teeth at the man looming before him. Tsking, the sorcerer grabbed Geralt by the chin, dodging his attempt to snap at his fingers. 

“Look at you,” the sorcerer sneered. “All bark, no bite. Well, you seem to love growling and barking so much I might as well oblige you.” And with a smirk and a snap, Geralt disappeared and in his place stood a great white wolf. Of course, with the sudden downsizing came the obvious perk of being able to wiggle out of his bindings. Gods bless idiot sorcerers. Blinking slowly, the transformed witcher shook his head before launching himself at the mage. _Well, so much for all bark no bite,_ Jaskier thought giddily. 

With the sorcerer dealt with, Geralt trotted over to Jaskier, blood dripping from his muzzle. “Well aren’t you just the most beautiful creature,” Jaskier crooned. At the resulting growl, Jaskier amended hopefully, “I mean, aren’t you the most beautiful, menacing, and powerful creature that will help free me now?” With a very unwolflike like eye roll, Geralt began gnawing at Jaskier’s bindings until Jaskier could gratefully stretch his limbs again. 

“Many thanks my wolfy friend.” Then, shocked at his own audacity, Jaskier leaned down to scratch the witcher behind the ears, delighting in the small wave of a tail in response. Tilting his head Jaskier mused, “You know, this whole white wolf look really suits you.” At the ensuing growl Jaskier added begrudgingly, “But I’m sure Yennefer can help fix this?” With a bark that Jaskier assumed signaled agreement, Geralt trotted over to his fallen weapons and grasped the hilt of a sword with his teeth. 

Jaskier watched with bemusement as the witcher began dragging the giant weapon across the room. “I don’t suppose you would like some help with that?” Jaskier offered. The bard wisely decided that the growl he heard meant no. Sitting back in the chair that he was so recently trapped to, Jaskier settled comfortably to watch the show. 

After several minutes interspersed with the sound of a sharp object scraping across the floor and intermittent growls, Jaskier found himself face to face with a very frustrated wolf. Studying his nails, Jaskier asked lightly, “Is there something you need there, white wolf?” Raising his head at an impatient growl, Jaskier couldn’t stop the delighted smirk from crossing his face at the dour and beseeching look he got in return. “Could it be the big bad witcher wolf needs my help?” Jaskier inquired with a gentle raise of his brows. 

As the wolf before him bared his teeth, Jaskier scrambled up. “Alright alright, no need for the theatrics Mr. Grumpy Wolf,” he remarked huffily, striding toward the rest of Geralt’s equipment and carefully gathering it up. “Now come on my white wolf, I think you could use a nap.” 

*******

Awkwardly juggling the witcher’s many possessions, Jaskier blinked innocently up at the burly innkeeper blocking their way. “I swear good sir, he’s quite tame. In fact, though his appearance looks quite fearsome Snowy is nothing but a big cuddly softy,” Jaskier cheerfully explained. His smile only grew as he sensed the wolfy glare currently being sent his way. 

Grunting, the innkeeper eyed Geralt suspiciously. “Let’s see how tame this one really is,” he rumbled before approaching the witcher. As the innkeeper turned his back to Jaskier, the bard met eyes with the white wolf and mouthed, _Do not blow this for us!_ With a bone weary sigh, Geralt met the innkeeper halfway and began half-heartedly wagging his tail, gently nudging into the innkeeper’s hand as he began to scratch his fur. As the innkeeper began scratching behind his ears, Geralt's tail began to wave more enthusiastically against his will.

Watching the interaction with overwhelming glee, Jaskier wished he could capture this moment forever. He was never letting Geralt live this down. Standing upright, the innkeeper gave a firm nod. “Seems tame enough,” he admitted reluctantly. “One night’s stay, then I want you both outta here.” 

As the innkeeper turned, Jaskier fell to his knees to grasp Geralt by his fluffy face. “What a good boy Snowy!” He cooed, sputtering as the witcher licked a slobbering path across his face in retaliation. “Well! No treats for you then!” He huffed before leading them inside, chuckling at the forlorn whine he received in response. 

*******

“Maybe we can find another sorceress who can turn you back,” Jaskier mused as they settled in their room. “I mean, do we really need Yennefer?” Jaskier yelped as sharp canine teeth gripped the delicate fabric of his clothes. At the dark look sent his way Jaskier sighed and activated the beacon she had given Geralt. 

“You know I gave you that for emergencies only, right?” The sorceress asked as she crossed into the room. At the pathetic look being sent her way by the giant wolf sprawled on the floor Yennefer rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers. “Your debt to me is growing my witcher,” she drawled. 

Where the wolf once sat now lay Geralt, furless and clothes-less. Jaskier greedily took in the man’s physique before him. Of course he had gotten glimpses at the witcher’s body before but he never laid eyes on the full package. “Geralt!” He exclaimed. “I’ve always wondered if your cock was proportional to the rest of you!” Standing up slowly, Geralt turned to look down at the bard with a blank expression. “I must say, I’ll miss petting your beautiful fur,” Jaskier added with a longing sigh, studiously ignoring how close a particular appendage of the witcher's was to his mouth. “Would you mind if I braided your hair at some point instead?” 

At Jaskier’s casual remarks in the face of a very naked witcher whose cock was very close to his face, Geralt could only gape at him. Smiling softly into his eyes Jaskier murmured, “I think you would like it.” At a loss of words, Geralt could only nod, before turning to find some clothes as he felt his ears burn. Neither of the men noticed the exasperated sigh coming from the sorceress before she stalked back through a portal without a word. 

**5.**

Jaskier and Geralt snorted as the latest sorceress they were facing tripped over her elaborate robes mid-monologue. “Not the most graceful mage, are you?” Geralt mocked drily. As the woman’s face turned an unflattering shade of red, Jaskier let out a weary sigh. He could guess where this was leading. Surrounded by yet another puff of smoke, Geralt rapidly moved past it to attack the mage but found himself tripping and sprawling on his face. 

Geralt lay there for a dazed moment, trying to recall the last time he was so clumsy as to trip on air, when he got a sinking feeling in his stomach. Needing to test his theory, Geralt moved to stand only to find himself precariously tilting to the right before landing on his arse. “Oh dear,” Jaskier said faintly, a note of laughter tinging his words. “This is almost as good as the rhyming curse.” 

Clenching his fists in frustration, Geralt glared up at the sorceress now making her way closer to him with a taunting sway of her hips. Biding his time, Geralt allowed her to take one more step before launching himself at the woman, just to find himself falling face down into the ground again. Spitting out dirt, Geralt spun to try to grab her by her legs, scrambling for a good grip as his fingers failed to obey him. Just as the sorceress rolled her eyes and began casting a spell at point blank range, she abruptly crumpled to the ground, partly on Geralt. 

Standing above the two prone figures was Jaskier, brandishing the chair he had just been tied to. “That dagger you gifted to me after my last kidnapping really came in handy,” Jaskier observed cheerfully. Frowning with distaste, Jaskier turned and nudged the unconscious woman off of Geralt with his foot before leaning down to help the witcher up. Getting a steady grip, Geralt begrudgingly allowed Jaskier to help pull him up, only to find himself promptly back on the ground, this time on top of the bard. 

“Oof,” Jaskier huffed out pitifully. “This may be more complicated than I thought.” With an impatient growl, Geralt fumbled for Yennefer’s beacon once again before it slipped out of his fingers. Snatching it up, Jaskier smiled. “Let me help, my friend.” 

Yennefer allowed a smirk to cross her face as she took in the two men lying unceremoniously in a pile on the ground. “Yennefer, can you help me up? I think Geralt broke my ribs with his 12 pack,” Jaskier bemoaned. 

“That’s what you get for trying to sleep with a witcher, bard,” she hummed before passing by Jaskier’s prone form. Ignoring the sputtering she received in response, Yennefer gathered up her skirts and crouched by the head of an exhausted looking witcher. “What can I help you with darling?” she asked sweetly. 

“We aren’t sleeping together,” was all Geralt grunted in response. Rolling her eyes Yennefer quipped, “I assumed as much considering you both are wearing far too many clothes.” Pretending to study something in the distance she added, “It’s quite surprising to me that you two haven’t fallen into bed yet considering the looks you both exchange constantly.” 

Scoffing, Jaskier scooted out from under Geralt before wrapping his arms protectively around himself. “No need to mock me Yennefer; we both know he belongs to you.” 

Turning to meet eyes with Jaskier, Yennefer raised her eyebrows with a neutral expression. “Actually bard, I don’t happen to know such a thing at all, nor do I wish for it to be true.” Standing up with a brush of her skirts and ignoring the look of shock and confusion crossing the bard’s face, she placed her hands on her hips and looked down at the witcher still lying in the ground. “Well? Are you planning on keeping me here all day or will you tell me what the problem is this time?” 

Releasing a sigh, Geralt decided he would explain through demonstration. Slowly standing up, Geralt took a step, only to find his foot tangled up in nothing but air before falling back down. Resting his head on the ground in defeat, he stared up at the bemused witch with a scowl. Apparently recovered from the shock he felt at Yennefer’s admission, Jaskier helpfully remarked with mirth, “Geralt insulted a sorceress by calling her clumsy and now he’s cursed to be a clutz.” 

For the second time in too short of a time period, Geralt was forced to endure Jaskier and Yennefer’s uproarious laughter at his expense. “You sure have a way with words Geralt,” Yennefer chuckled after a moment. 

“He does, doesn’t he?” Jaskier said with a dreamy sigh. 

“Shut it bard,” Geralt snapped thoughtlessly. Hiding his hurt behind rolled eyes Jaskier remarked in a sotto voice, “I don’t think you’re in a position to be making demands.” As the two men huffed and looked away at each other, Yennefer’s good humor drained away and she snapped. 

“That’s it,” she snarled, waving her hand impatiently to fix this most recent curse. “I’m sick of this shit and I’m sick of your ridiculous pining. Stop constantly disguising how much you actually care for each other behind insults and snark and fucking talk or I swear I’ll bash your heads in.” And with an angry snap of her fingers and a twirl of her cape, Yennefer stormed off. 

**+1.**

Geralt and Jaskier blinked slowly in the wake of her exit before turning to each other. “Why do I have a feeling she just fixed one curse before landing us with a new one?" Jaskier asked apprehensively. "And why is _that_ what she’s annoyed at and not the fact that we keep asking her to uncurse us?” Jaskier added, as a feeling not unlike dread began to overtake him. 

Shrugging Geralt replied, “She's undoubtedly cursed us because she's irritated with us. And she clearly has noticed how each time you’re cursed or injured I’m worried sick about you but try to hide it behind humor and annoyance because I'm terrified of showing you how much I care.” Blinking slowly, all Jaskier could do in response was gape at the witcher as Geralt’s eyes widened with horror. 

“Come again?” Jaskier asked weakly. Instead of illuminating Jaskier all Geralt stated was, “Sometimes I want to grab you by your beautiful face and shake you until you see reason and stay out of danger.” 

Gasping with delight Jaskier leaned in, batting his eyes and viciously smothering the emotion in his chest that suspiciously felt like hope. “Geralt,” he crooned, “I had no idea you had such a high impression of my face or of me at all. I know I make quite the picture.”

Growling Geralt stated fiercely, “It’s not just your body I’m drawn to it’s your whole personality and your singing and-gods fucking DAMMIT!” Geralt roared, biting his lips firmly until they bled. 

Jolting back Jaskier huffed. “I didn’t realize that giving me compliments caused you such consternation,” he sniffed. “And here I was thinking that you were going to compliment me for once instead of constantly critique and complain about me like you and everyone else I know always does,” his mouth expelled without his permission. Clamping his mouth shut, Jaskier stared at Geralt with poorly disguised panic. “I didn’t mean to say that last part,” he stuttered out. "I always hide how low my self-esteem truly is behind an unhealthy amount of self-deprecation." 

“Truth spell,” Geralt stated shortly, grinding his teeth as he began pacing frantically. Panic firmly gripping him now, Jaskier scrambled upright to follow the witcher's movement. "Truth spell?" Jaskier asked, a hint of hysteria in his voice, “What exactly do you mean by truth spell?” 

“Exactly what it sounds like,” Geralt growled. Shaking his head and turning his back to the bard he stated firmly, “We can’t keep talking lest we say things best kept to ourselves.” 

Inspiration striking him, Jaskier realized he was presented with a beautiful opportunity. Stepping around so he was facing the witcher, Jaskier asked gently, “What do you wish to keep to yourself Geralt?” Despite his attempts to keep his mouth sealed, Geralt found it opening without his permission as he promptly bared his heart before the bard. 

“I want to be loved and touched with kindness but if I show any hint of weakness, others will exploit it. And you are all I can ever think about but I can’t let myself get closer to you because it will make it that more painful when you ultimately die and I am left alone again. But it’s so hard because-” But Geralt cut himself off as he viciously bit his arm to prevent his mouth from moving further. 

Jaskier simply stood there uselessly, speechless. What could he say to that? Except perhaps the truth? Taking a tentative step forward, Jaskier ducked his head to peer at the witcher’s darkened and self-recriminating expression. “Ask me what I have kept to myself,” he requested softly. 

Geralt lifted his head and searched Jaskier’s gaze for amusement or revulsion in the face of Geralt’s confessions. When all he was met with was an open and beseeching expression, Geralt slowly drew away from his curled up position and gazed straight into Jaskier’s eyes. “What do you keep to yourself?” he asked in a whisper. 

Taking another step closer so that they were a breath apart Jaskier reached out to gently cradle one of Geralt’s cheeks. Geralt couldn’t stop his eyes from fluttering shut at the tender touch and found himself slowly leaning in. Smiling softly Jaskier reached his second hand so he held the witcher's face delicately before murmuring, “I have kept hidden how dearly and helplessly in love with you I am, my dear wolf.” At his words Geralt’s eyes shot open to frantically search Jaskier’s face for any sign of mocking or falsity. All he was faced with though was a soft smile and warm, guileless, blue eyes. 

Their gazes met for a breathless moment. “Truly?” Geralt whispered. Huffing out a laugh Jaskier quipped, “It’s not like I can lie!” And with those words, Jaskier found his lips claimed with a hungry kiss. Releasing a whimper, Jaskier greedily returned the kiss, nipping at Geralt’s lips to demand entrance to his mouth. Time passed in a blur as the two men did nothing but kiss and trace each other’s torsos and faces with their hands. Finally, they broke away to catch their breath. 

Leaning his forehead against Geralt’s, Jaskier released a satisfied sigh. “I never thought I would be so grateful toward Yennefer,” he remarked with amusement. "I've always been so jealous of her because you were so clearly in love." Pulling back, Geralt brushed a thumb across the bard's face. 

"We were never in love," he admitted softly. "I thought for a time we were but I soon came to realize that nothing could come close to how I feel toward you." Jaskier stood frozen, staring in amazement and wonder at the man before him. "Truly?" Jaskier asked. Humming Geralt moved until their lips were just barely touching. "It's not like I can lie," he rumbled with a smile, before claiming Jaskier’s lips again. 

With a grin, Jaskier threw any thoughts of the sorceress from his mind and carded his fingers through Geralt’s hair. When Geralt released a happy hum in reply, Jaskier pulled away with a shit-eating grin. “I knew those tail wags were genuine!” He exclaimed, before allowing himself to be dragged into a kiss once again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Oh I don’t know how to thank you!” The sorceress exclaimed as Jaskier and Geralt helped free her from the bonds. “Those cruel men-when I think what they could have done if they succeeded in siphoning off my power-” the woman shuddered fretfully as she stood up from where she had been held captive. Pressing her hands to her heart, the sorceress gushed, “Truly, how can I thank you?!”_
> 
> _“Coin,” Geralt grunted._
> 
> _“Or the name of your tailor,” Jaskier suggested, admiring the shimmering golden gown trailing down her body._
> 
> Geralt and Jaskier continue to run into sorceresses and discover that this isn't always a bad thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an alternate +1 in my head that I couldn't let go of. So, I decided to just make this fic a 5 +2 because I can

“Oh I don’t know how to thank you!” The sorceress exclaimed as Jaskier and Geralt helped free her from the bonds. “Those cruel men-when I think what they could have done if they succeeded in siphoning off my power-” the woman shuddered fretfully as she stood up from where she had been held captive. Pressing her hands to her heart, the sorceress gushed, “Truly, how can I thank you?!” 

“Coin,” Geralt grunted. 

“Or the name of your tailor,” Jaskier suggested, admiring the shimmering golden gown trailing down her body.

Shaking her head the woman said firmly, “No-I must find a better form of payment. Let me see...” Tapping her finger to her lip the sorceress took in the two men standing before her, smiling softly at their intermingling auras. “Ah, I’m well versed in the magic of love,” she remarked dreamily. Furrowing her brow she added to Jaskier, “Oh dear, but you have quite a short lifespan compared to your witcher, huh?”

With the truth the two men had been studiously avoiding now in the open air, Jaskier could feel his eyes burning with tears as Geralt stood stoically beside him. Tutting, the mage shook her head firmly. “No, that just won’t do!” Snapping her fingers, she perked up at the slight change in the bard’s aura. “There! That is my gift to you for your assistance.” And with a cheerful wave, the sorceress disappeared through a portal. 

In her wake the two men stared at each other apprehensively. Despite the help they gave her, Geralt and Jaskier had too many unfortunate run-ins with sorcerers to assume that the “gift” was anything promising. <\p>

It had been a couple months since Yennefer cursed them to tell the truth and though they were now happily together, the spell had not lifted and Yennefer was not answering their summons. Given this unfortunate predicament, the witcher and bard were finding themselves punched in the face and kicked out of taverns far more frequently than usual. 

But they needed to know what happened. So with trepidation and not much hope in receiving a reply, Geralt activated Yennefer’s beacon while muttering, “Coin would’ve been nice too.” 

“Oh, you and I both know you would’ve helped her for free if it came to that,” Jaskier said fondly, before jumping in surprise as, in a swirl of purple, Yennefer appeared before them. 

Crossing her arms Yennefer smirked, “I figured I’ve given you two long enough to squirm. How is my little spell going for you?” 

The two men spoke at the same time. 

“I’ve discovered that Geralt is an absolute beast in the bed so I’m very grateful for it.”

“Jaskier can’t shut his mouth more than usual which makes it very difficult to receive contracts and keep my sanity.” 

Yennefer did nothing to disguise her delight and amusement at the admissions as pink colored Geralt’s cheeks. In anyone else, what the witcher said next could have been characterized as a whine. “Jaskier, can’t you try a little harder to censor yourself?” he asked, turning to the bard beseechingly. 

Rolling his eyes Jaskier gestured vaguely around the trio. “Hello? Witch? Truth spell? Sexy hunk of a man I would brag about sleeping with even if not currently cursed?” Face palming, Geralt turned to Yennefer, looking like a man condemned. “What must I do to get you to reverse this?” he asked solemnly. 

In response Yennefer only smiled evilly, sizing the witcher up. “Oh the power I have over you currently is dizzying,” she purred. “I don’t know if there’s anything you could do or say that would cause me to undo it but you’re welcome to start naming suggestions.” 

“You can sleep with me and Geralt like I know you’ve been wanting to,” Jaskier piped up, receiving two matching looks of shock in response. Rolling his eyes again Jaskier crossed his arms. “Really, you two,” he huffed. “I may be merely a lowly bard but I am well-versed in the art of longing, lust, and innuendo and you two brim with all three.” 

As the witcher and sorceress continued to stare at him silently Jaskier narrowed his eyes, searching their faces. Eyes widening, Jaskier tsked. “You poor dears,” he hummed. “You’re quite oblivious, huh?” 

Finally regaining some composure Yennefer tossed her hair and remarked snidely, “I’ve been there and done that with your precious witcher, bard. He’s all yours.” 

Shaking his head with disbelief Jaskier threw up his hands and exclaimed, “I can't believe it! You’re nearly as emotionally constipated as Geralt!” 

As though waking up at the sound of his name, Geralt shook himself and crossed his arms defensively. “You’re making this awkward bard,” he growled, determinately avoiding said bard’s eyes. “Drop it.” 

Sidling up to the witcher Jaskier fluttered his eyes up at him. “Geraaalt,” he sang, sickeningly sweet. “How do you feel about our sorceress Yennefer?” 

Despite the tight clenching of his jaw, Geralt’s mouth opened and words flowed out, unbidden. “She’s absolutely terrifying and could twist us both into pretzels with a wave of her hand and I don’t know why that’s hot but it is and now all I’m imagining is you fucking into her while I fuck into you and her fucking you while I watch and I would punch you right now for placing those images in my head if I wasn’t so hard.” 

Grinding his teeth at the confession that was forced out of him, Geralt simmered with a confusing mix of horror, embarrassment, anger, and lust. Taking a steadying breath, Geralt cast his gaze furtively between Yennefer and Jaskier to find them both gazing at him with darkened expressions. Taking a step back to clear his head Geralt struggled to gather his thoughts. 

Before he could make much headway Jaskier remarked faintly and with no lack of admiration, “Geralt you dirty, dirty man.” Turning back to Yennefer’s carefully expressionless face Jaskier pointed out nervously, “You’ve been oddly silent. And if you’re preparing to disembowel us I would like to remind you that it’s technically your fault that any of that was said in the first place.”

Scowling Yennefer remarked drily, “I don’t recall demanding to sleep with you two as payment, nor do I recall commanding our witcher to express his innermost thoughts regarding his feelings toward me.” Pointing a manicured finger at the bard she added with a touch of irritation, “In fact, the only reason I’m here is because _you_ summoned me. ” 

With a reminder of how this conversation started, Jaskier bit his lip. “Speaking of, we actually called for you because this mage we just freed gave us a ‘gift’ and we haven’t discovered what it is.” 

Any cutting remark the sorceress was going to make shriveled up in her mouth at the fear sparking in Jaskier’s eyes. Wisely keeping her mouth shut, Yennefer used her Sight to analyze the two men before her, seeking out any changes in their auras. Widening her eyes, Yennefer took a step toward the bard to inspect him closer. 

Gulping nervously Jaskier squeaked, “Geralt why is she looking at me like that? Am I going to die?! But I never finished my ballad about your magical cock!” 

With a wordless growl, Geralt strode over to the witch and grasped her arm. “Well? What do you see?” he demanded. Blinking out of her concentration, Yennefer looked meaningfully at where the witcher had her in his grip before casting him an unamused look. 

With a snarl Geralt released her but didn’t budge, looming into her space. Anyone else would have wet themselves at what by all accounts looked like a furious witcher close to lashing out. But Yennefer had spent enough time around Geralt to see the tremble of fear in his frame and the desperation in his eyes. 

Studying her nails Yennefer said with marked nonchalance, “Your bard is immortal. Congratulations.” She barely registered the sputtering and a choked, _“what?!”_ behind her, too interested in watching a look of shock, amazement, and then crippling relief cross the witcher’s face. 

Rolling her eyes to hide the twist in her gut, Yennefer stepped away from him. The witcher really was disgustingly in love with the bard. Well, the two idiots deserved each other. With a lazy wave of her hand Yennefer banished the truth spell as the two men continued to blink dumbly at her, still registering this newest revelation. 

Banishing the hint of bitterness at their obvious love for each other, Yennefer placed her hands on her hips and allowed a slow, predatory smile to cross her face. “I believe I will take the bard up on his offer of payment for this and my many other services in the past months,” she remarked casually, her smile widening as the two men gulped. 

“Geralt, if my cock falls off will you leave me?” Jaskier asked weakly. 

Humming Geralt grunted, “Most likely.” And then, with a look of intent that promised sinful pleasure, Geralt grabbed the bard’s hand and made his way to Yennefer. Yes, this should be fun. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Any comments and kudos make my day!


End file.
